NerdyJill

I have seen this several times lately, and I thought it would be a great way to remind everyone that everything does get better. 

Needless to say, this post will be quite personal. I will bring up things I've been through and things I'm going through. 

If you're interested in reading what I have to tell my younger self, do keep reading.

This is me, when I was twelve.

Ever since I was in primary school, I've been told I'm ugly. This has always been my biggest insecurity. I kept thinking 'nobody will ever think I'm pretty'. Well, my family did. But I'm sure you know as well as I do it does not count. I always felt like they told me I was beautiful because they had to: who would tell their daughter/niece/whatever they're ugly? 

I remember looking at myself in the mirror and thinking 'how do you even live with yourself?', because even seeing myself was unbearable, especially from age 10 to 14. 

In my first year of middle school (2008-2009), in which I turned eleven, I had a crush on two guys in my class. I was kind of the weirdo because I dressed terribly, and I kept playing silly games in the playground. I was ten and was being judged by 15-year-olds. To this day, I still don't get this concept of mixing kids with teenagers who already are much more mature and apparently don't remember their own childhood.

Back to the subject, both guys learnt that I liked them, and everyone mocked me. The second one, who was really nice to me, started talking to his friends behind my back. Everyone would look at me, whisper, and laugh. I don't know if the not-discrete-whispering was the worst, or if it was when people would come up to me and make fun of me, bring me down right in front of my eyes with me being so miserable I couldn't even reply.

When I was 13, I fell in love with a guy I barely knew (I have since realised I was in love with what I imagined of him rather than his true person, if that makes any sense). And beside the fact that he was 18 and I was much younger, I felt like he could never be interested in me, because I was just an ugly girl and I didn't deserve to even like someone as gorgeous as he was (and still is). Well, this very young man told me not two days ago I was beautiful. Not once, not twice, but three times. And even though I have no feeling left for him (I mean in a romantic way), I could just picture my 13-year-old self crying herself to bed because she thought this would never happen. Not particularly him telling me I was beautiful, but rather any guy, ever.

Two years ago, I fell in love with another boy. He was nice to me, but only when his friends weren't around. I don't know if he meant it or if he just wanted to show off, but when they were around, he kept telling me I was ugly, in the worst way possible. And he totally knew I liked him. I wish I could tell myself not to pay attention to this twat. Not to pay attention to anyone who would tell me I'm ugly.

One of the other big issue I faced was popularity. As I said, I was... one of a kind, back when I was 10/11. And, even in primary school, I was never the popular type. I've always had a strong personality, character. Some say it's a family trait, some even that it comes from my Polish origins (I like the idea).

When I entered Year 8 (7th grade), I tried to dress as everyone did. And... Wow. More people actually started talking to me. I don't regret this choice now, because it did not last long, but I certainly wish I hadn't changed the way I dressed because I wanted to look pretty for a boy. Anyways, I didn't feel well dressing like I used to in Year 7. Even some teachers would make fun of me. So, for a year, I kept dressing to look normal. And then, something changed my life (in so many other ways).

During Summer 2010, I started reading this saga, which is quite unknown really: Harry Potter. But in what way does it deal with what I'm talking about?

For those of you who don't know this character, she's considered completely crazy by most of the students at her school because she dresses in a funny way and doesn't see the world the way other people do, the way she is 'supposed' to see it. Her nickname is Loony Lovegood. And the way she doesn't care really struck me. She lives for herself, who cares what others might think? And from that day on, I stopped giving a damn about what the cool kids would think. 

I really identified to Luna, who is much more to me than just a fictional character. She made me happy. I felt like I had something, or rather someone to live for - myself. Also, the way she was described, it seemed like we looked alike. Indeed, everyone told me so. And I agreed. Not so much now, because I dyed my hair ginger, but back then it just felt great. When you admire someone and you actually get to look like them, it feels wonderful.

By the way, you might have seen these pictures of Mark Williams and Evanna Lynch at a signing in Lille, over 3 years ago.

These were published in La Voix du Nord, a French newspaper. I also was on the cover of some other newspaper. This was my moment of fame, and I now have several pictures of this magical moment with Arthur Weasley and the actual Luna Lovegood.

This was not the only time I got to meet people I love. On the 19th November 2012, I went to Ed Sheeran's concert. I was really close to the stage, and it felt amazing. I even got a picture with Passenger.

On 3rd August 2013, I went to see Daniel Radcliffe in The Cripple of Inishmaan. 

Two months ago, I was lucky enough to meet Michelle Fairley from Game of Thrones.

Of course, these are just examples. Numerous amazing things have happened to me in the past few years, meeting celebrities apart, and I expect nothing less of the years to come. I keep prattling. You see, I may have been lucky, but I have also tried to take my life multiple times. Nothing 'too bad', as I was always too scared to go too far. But still, it's not something I shouldn't take seriously. And even though I still struggle with great anxiety, I try to focus on the good aspects of life. 

I wish I could tell my younger self that everything does get better. That I am not alone.

I have never known my father, and it took 14 years to finally meet someone who had been through the same situation. I felt so releaved, knowing that I wasn't alone in this.

And so are you. Whoever you are, reading this, know that you are not alone. If you are struggling with anything, and you want to talk to someone, do know that you can message me and I will do my best. 

Here are hotlines in a few different countries if you need to talk:

Also, if you don't feel ready to talk, here's a great website that will help you calm down in case of an anxiety attack.

To finish this letter, I'd like to tell anyone that everything gets better, even your looks. You think you look ugly and it's never going to get better.

I'm not saying I never feel ugly, but I'm not disgusted by myself anymore. And that's a huge victory! I know I'm turning into a beautiful young woman, and I won't let anyone tell me otherwise.

So, Jill, I wish I could tell you to keep your head up. And even if I can't, I'm keeping this in mind, and I do hope life will get better and better, just as it has.

As Stephen Hawking said, 'However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. While there's life, there is hope.'

Good luck, 

Jill.

That's it for today's article. I hope you liked it, and that it might have helped you see your life in a more positive way. If so, I really am glad it did.

Again, if you are facing difficult times, do not hesitate to come talk to me - even if you're not! I'd love to hear from you guys.

As always, if you liked this article, please follow this blog and reblog this post so that your followers and theirs can read it and have some fun :)

See you on Saturday!

Hugs,

Jill♥